After losing John and becoming a Mumma, I find
diving into others' pain much easier. Tears come easily and I'm able to
feel other people's stuff in a way I couldn't before. I am both thankful
for this and wary of it, as it has made crying in public kind of the norm for me now. At first it was awkward, but I've learned to become ok with this. I struggled in the early years with Kyle to be ok with crying in front of him; just two days ago I met a couple who had recently and suddenly lost a son and within five minutes of meeting them we were getting all teary together. I've come a long way.
In earlier days, Kyle would tease me calling me "Stone-Cold Steph" because my temperament was usually pretty even with few notable downs and fewer notable ups. Before the fall of 2011, I would rarely feel emotion worthy of being
labeled as 'excitement'. On the other end of the spectrum, unless I
hadn't had enough alone time (I'm a closet introvert - growing up in a
house with six kids made 'alone' time hard to come by), was completely
exhausted or it was my time of the month, tears were also rare. Perhaps it was the flood of hormones after Sophie was born or lack of sleep that unleashed this new Steph, or maybe it was just being thrown into the painful experience of losing someone you love. Whatever it was, it seems that letting myself experience grief has also opened some doors to tasting some extra Joy as well. For this I am thankful.
I had not been my intention to leave this blog untouched for two months. Really, it hadn't. I've been struggling with what to write about in the last while. The Joy Project took a bit of a blow two minutes after I finished typing my last post. I was about to hit the 'Publish' button when Kyle called to let me know that the 10 year old daughter of a friend of a friend who had been struggling with cancer had passed away that morning. As I found myself diving into the pain of Sarah's family I found the Joy Project getting side-tracked as I began wrestling with the question, Is it possible to experience Joy through the rough stuff?
I recently worked my way through a book by Brené Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection", her "Guide to a Wholehearted Life". She tackles the concept of Joy as it relates to Happiness. She says Happiness is an emotion, whereas Joy is "a spiritual way of engaging with the world that's connected to practicing Gratitude." (77). Aka: no Gratitude = no Joy. Much like my discovery that the newly experienced emotional dips clear the way for some wonderful upswings of Happy, you can't chase Joy without practicing Gratitude. Maybe I'm alone in this, but this was a new idea for me.
So yes, I think it is possible to experience Joy despite crappy circumstances. Sadness displaces happiness, it doesn't have to displace Joy. I think Paul knew what he was talking about in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In the midst of all the muddy waters of this life we can't always be thankful FOR every circumstance, but we can be thankful IN every circumstance.
So here's where I'm at... after pondering this for a week, I've decided that Gratitude is definitely a 'growing area' for me. I'm not talking about thank-you notes (although I really need to get better at that too), but setting aside my mental to-do list, my worst-case-scenario thinking, and my busyness and just taking some time to run over a few things in my mind each day I am thankful for.
I'm going to be honest - this is a bit of a tricky week to start. In the
last week, our car was done in, Kyle's grandma died and Sophie got over
a nasty cold in time to pick up a fever and vomiting bug from an
unknown source. However, I think I can still find some reasons to be
grateful.
So here's the goal for this month. I'm going to try to come up with five unique items for my Gratitude List every day this month. Today is the first of February so I'll be working on this for the next 28 days. Here goes Take One...
Today I am Grateful for:
1) Extra cuddles from my clingy baby today - Sophie is definitely not herself, but some baby Tylenol, apple juice and some extra lovin' from her parents will take care of that. I'm going to ignore the gross bathroom and enjoy this snoozing baby on my shoulder.
2) The generosity of my mum and dad in law - Kyle is using their second vehicle while our little Echo is at the garage recovering from a run-in with a Dodge Ram and its trailer hitch.
3) We have a grocery store within walking distance. We could definitely use a visit to said store, but our need of food has a whole lot more to do with schedule coordinating than distance or funds.
4) My Mum and her 'Fridays with Sophie' - Almost every Friday my mum drives 3 hours to spend time with Sophie, help me out around the house and free me up to teach music lessons. Especially in the early months, knowing I would have extra help on Fridays helped to keep me going during days I was particularly sleep-deprived. Thank you Mumma, Thank you!
5) Kyle's unexpected drop-in today "Because I missed Sophie" - I'm so thankful that Sophie is going to grow up with a dad who communicates with his words, his snuggles as well as with his time that he loves her. This is just so important. This is going to play a huge role in her self-esteem and sense of self-worth as she grows older. I am thankful for how much Kyle loves Sophie.
So welcome February! I'm glad you're here. Attitude, get ready for a face-lift.
