wife deals with a mental illness. For the past four years I have been taking medication daily to stave
off the symptoms. When I first started taking it I felt like I had just been thrown a rope. I still had to climb out from the pit but suddenly it felt doable – I didn’t have to do it on my own strength.
But Stephanie…
1) If you believe in a God who heals, you don’t need medication. You just need to pray more.
2) Maybe if He hasn’t taken it away yet, it’s because there is some secret sin in your life that He wants you to repent of.
3) Really If you were just to do a better job of taking care of yourself, and getting enough sleep, you wouldn’t be struggling so much.
4) You really just need to relax. Maybe take some yoga classes.
5) Don’t accept any labels from a doctor who isn’t a believer. That’s a form of
condemnation. You need to be speaking life over yourself.
6) Just drown out the negative thoughts with singing!
7) You just need a vacation.
A number of these comments were from a fellow Jesus-follower, a professional counsellor and a nurse; the rest are my own.
I have a friend who was diagnosed with a mental illness shortly after I met her. “Stephanie, if I had diabetes, I wouldn’t think twice about taking insulin.” And in the words of another friend, “Your brain is a part of your body. If your body is unwell, what do you do? You treat it.”
When I recognized the subtle onset of suicidal thoughts, I was reminded of my friends’ words. Finally, I scheduled and attended an appointment with a psychiatrist with whom I had cancelled twice.
After beginning the smallest dosage of my anti-anxiety medication, the suicidal thoughts left. After the first increase, I started to feel a bit lighter. After the second increase I felt like myself again - for the first time in four years. Praise Jesus.
Over the last four years I’ve often prayed that God would heal me from my struggle. I mean, who wants to be on anti-depressants for the rest of their lives? Really. It took me a while to realize that He HAS been healing me. He was choosing to answer my prayer through medication. Yes, He is totally able to say the word and remove this struggle from me. However, in His wisdom He has chosen to answer my prayer differently than I would like. He often has gently reminded me that His grace is sufficient for me. I have not always handled those reminders well. I have a lot of growing to do. I’m very thankful for His patience with me.
A couple summers ago I decided I was going to wean myself off. I did everything right. I spoke to my doctor, got her advice on how to safely begin. I reduced my dosage by the smallest amount possible and BAM – enter the worst two weeks of my life since beginning the medication. I stuck it out for nearly 14 days and then much to the relief of my husband, I decided I, as well as my marriage and my kids, needed me to stay on the meds.
I had plans to try again when Asher started school, but then with our upcoming move I decided not to throw another big change into the mix. I was going to try again in May this spring, when I could get outside more.
Ha. So. Fun story. Last month Kyle and I went with my family on an adventure to Cuba. Well, somewhere between here and our holiday destination, my blister pack with my week's worth of medication went missing from my checked baggage. I discovered this in the dark of my hotel room in Veradero after the kids were asleep. After going through every bag twice, I announced. “Ok. I don’t have my anxiety medication. I’m probably going to have some withdrawal symptoms. But, this week I’m going to get lots of rest, be outside every day, we’ll be with family, and I’ll be able to choose what I’m going to eat carefully from the buffet. It’s going to be fine. Kyle, it’s going to be fine. Please don’t be worried.”
“Ok,” he said, “I’m not going to worry.” His face was telling me a different story.
That night as I lay in bed trying to convince myself it was going to be ok, the lyrics to a song (Defender) that had been playing and replaying in my brain for the last few weeks started to drown out my worry…
Eventually sleep found me. We had a wonderful holiday. We really enjoyed being with our family and having all the little cousins together. It was great. I was definitely slightly dizzy the entire time, feeling a little ‘tipped’. I felt more tired than I thought was normal and at night when I would lie down to sleep, I would hear noises that weren’t actually there – as confirmed by Kyle, “No Stephanie. No one is clapping. Just go to sleep.”
But here’s the thing. I didn’t realize until after we came back, when Kyle asked if I would share with our church family about being healed from depression, that it had actually happened… I think I even responded with, “Well, I’d be happy to share anything – I just want to make sure that what I’m saying is true.”
But friends, here’s what’s true. The last time I went from 75 mg of my medication down to 50 mg, I felt like I was thrown into the pit again. Life became heavy. I was miserable and definitely spent time by myself in our car in an empty parking lot feeling numb and empty. That was after only ONE week of having my meds reduced by a third. It has now been five weeks being medication-free. I’m not going to lie, I’m still a little dizzy now and then but on the whole, I really feel ok. Joyful even. I did raise my voice a bit too much when I caught Asher spitting on his floor and trying to hide it by wiping it up with his bare foot, and I did make too big of a deal about Sophie not being willing to try some sort of new granola bar. But you know what? I’m able to reign myself in. I wasn’t able to do that before. I feel less tired than I have been in years really and although I do have some OCD tendencies I’m noticing a bit more frequently, I’m able to redirect my thoughts so much better than I ever was even before the real struggle began when I became a Mama.
So...seven years later, I'm five-weeks medication free and feeling surprisingly normal. Can it be I've been on the receiving end of a subtle and quiet miracle? Dare I say it?... Guys... My depression is gone!!
The medication I’ve been on have been attacking two issues simultaneously, the first (anxiety) was something I have lived with since before I could talk and as such, I’ve devised various coping devices over the years to help me to function. My anxiety was brought to the forefront when the black cloud of depression descended; according to the psychiatrist, this is quite common. I’m going to carefully assess my anxiety levels in the next while, inviting the honest observations of my husband while my body acclimatizes to no medication and use that to decide whether or not beginning the medication again would be helpful. And yes, I promise I’ll speak to my family doctor as well. But for now, I’m going to celebrate this victory. Problem one of two has disappeared! No more depression! Praise Jesus.
Please, please don’t let the take away from this be, “Just stop taking your meds! You’re going to be fine!”
Let it be this. What you are going through in this season of your journey matters. Your pain and struggle and mess doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture in your life. Your struggle can be used for something good and constructive and helpful and beautiful. Because He allowed me to walk though this, and helped me to be brave and share with others, I’ve been able to be a voice of encouragement for others who struggle with similar things. I have two friends, one who was recently suicidal and another who struggled with anxiety silently for years who decided to be brave as well and open up to their doctors about their need for help. I have another friend who was feeling torn about putting her own child on anti-anxiety meds. Because I shared my story, she shared hers with me and I was able add my perspective to her thoughts. I’ve been given the gift of being able to walk with another friend post-suicide attempt. God has used me in my mess as a part of his plan for the healing and restoration of others. He really does make beautiful things out of the dust.
He didn’t answer my prayer for healing on my timeline or in the way I wanted Him to. I’ve experienced a lot of tears and frustration because of this. But…because he held off on healing me in the way I wanted to receive it, and do it His way instead, He has been able to use me to walk with others and make them feel not crazy. Over the last four years, of all the advice, and medication, and talks and support I’ve received, the most valuable has been friends willing to be vulnerable with me and share their stories of personal mental struggle. Their stories have given me hope, direction for healing and bravery in the face of all the junk. And I can honestly stand here and say, if all of this experience has made it possible for me to be that person for one or two others, you know what? I am so thankful for that. It makes all this mess worthwhile.
We all have our own messes. If He can make something beautiful out of mine, He can do the same for you. Of course He will. He had a plan; I just couldn’t see it. He has been patient and gracious with me when I’ve stumbled. Even when I couldn’t see it this whole time He has been fighting for me and I’ll I had to do was stay still.
6) Just drown out the negative thoughts with singing!
7) You just need a vacation.
A number of these comments were from a fellow Jesus-follower, a professional counsellor and a nurse; the rest are my own.
I have a friend who was diagnosed with a mental illness shortly after I met her. “Stephanie, if I had diabetes, I wouldn’t think twice about taking insulin.” And in the words of another friend, “Your brain is a part of your body. If your body is unwell, what do you do? You treat it.”
When I recognized the subtle onset of suicidal thoughts, I was reminded of my friends’ words. Finally, I scheduled and attended an appointment with a psychiatrist with whom I had cancelled twice.
After beginning the smallest dosage of my anti-anxiety medication, the suicidal thoughts left. After the first increase, I started to feel a bit lighter. After the second increase I felt like myself again - for the first time in four years. Praise Jesus.
Over the last four years I’ve often prayed that God would heal me from my struggle. I mean, who wants to be on anti-depressants for the rest of their lives? Really. It took me a while to realize that He HAS been healing me. He was choosing to answer my prayer through medication. Yes, He is totally able to say the word and remove this struggle from me. However, in His wisdom He has chosen to answer my prayer differently than I would like. He often has gently reminded me that His grace is sufficient for me. I have not always handled those reminders well. I have a lot of growing to do. I’m very thankful for His patience with me.
A couple summers ago I decided I was going to wean myself off. I did everything right. I spoke to my doctor, got her advice on how to safely begin. I reduced my dosage by the smallest amount possible and BAM – enter the worst two weeks of my life since beginning the medication. I stuck it out for nearly 14 days and then much to the relief of my husband, I decided I, as well as my marriage and my kids, needed me to stay on the meds.
I had plans to try again when Asher started school, but then with our upcoming move I decided not to throw another big change into the mix. I was going to try again in May this spring, when I could get outside more.
Ha. So. Fun story. Last month Kyle and I went with my family on an adventure to Cuba. Well, somewhere between here and our holiday destination, my blister pack with my week's worth of medication went missing from my checked baggage. I discovered this in the dark of my hotel room in Veradero after the kids were asleep. After going through every bag twice, I announced. “Ok. I don’t have my anxiety medication. I’m probably going to have some withdrawal symptoms. But, this week I’m going to get lots of rest, be outside every day, we’ll be with family, and I’ll be able to choose what I’m going to eat carefully from the buffet. It’s going to be fine. Kyle, it’s going to be fine. Please don’t be worried.”
“Ok,” he said, “I’m not going to worry.” His face was telling me a different story.
That night as I lay in bed trying to convince myself it was going to be ok, the lyrics to a song (Defender) that had been playing and replaying in my brain for the last few weeks started to drown out my worry…
Eventually sleep found me. We had a wonderful holiday. We really enjoyed being with our family and having all the little cousins together. It was great. I was definitely slightly dizzy the entire time, feeling a little ‘tipped’. I felt more tired than I thought was normal and at night when I would lie down to sleep, I would hear noises that weren’t actually there – as confirmed by Kyle, “No Stephanie. No one is clapping. Just go to sleep.”
But here’s the thing. I didn’t realize until after we came back, when Kyle asked if I would share with our church family about being healed from depression, that it had actually happened… I think I even responded with, “Well, I’d be happy to share anything – I just want to make sure that what I’m saying is true.”
But friends, here’s what’s true. The last time I went from 75 mg of my medication down to 50 mg, I felt like I was thrown into the pit again. Life became heavy. I was miserable and definitely spent time by myself in our car in an empty parking lot feeling numb and empty. That was after only ONE week of having my meds reduced by a third. It has now been five weeks being medication-free. I’m not going to lie, I’m still a little dizzy now and then but on the whole, I really feel ok. Joyful even. I did raise my voice a bit too much when I caught Asher spitting on his floor and trying to hide it by wiping it up with his bare foot, and I did make too big of a deal about Sophie not being willing to try some sort of new granola bar. But you know what? I’m able to reign myself in. I wasn’t able to do that before. I feel less tired than I have been in years really and although I do have some OCD tendencies I’m noticing a bit more frequently, I’m able to redirect my thoughts so much better than I ever was even before the real struggle began when I became a Mama.
So...seven years later, I'm five-weeks medication free and feeling surprisingly normal. Can it be I've been on the receiving end of a subtle and quiet miracle? Dare I say it?... Guys... My depression is gone!!
The medication I’ve been on have been attacking two issues simultaneously, the first (anxiety) was something I have lived with since before I could talk and as such, I’ve devised various coping devices over the years to help me to function. My anxiety was brought to the forefront when the black cloud of depression descended; according to the psychiatrist, this is quite common. I’m going to carefully assess my anxiety levels in the next while, inviting the honest observations of my husband while my body acclimatizes to no medication and use that to decide whether or not beginning the medication again would be helpful. And yes, I promise I’ll speak to my family doctor as well. But for now, I’m going to celebrate this victory. Problem one of two has disappeared! No more depression! Praise Jesus.
Please, please don’t let the take away from this be, “Just stop taking your meds! You’re going to be fine!”
Let it be this. What you are going through in this season of your journey matters. Your pain and struggle and mess doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture in your life. Your struggle can be used for something good and constructive and helpful and beautiful. Because He allowed me to walk though this, and helped me to be brave and share with others, I’ve been able to be a voice of encouragement for others who struggle with similar things. I have two friends, one who was recently suicidal and another who struggled with anxiety silently for years who decided to be brave as well and open up to their doctors about their need for help. I have another friend who was feeling torn about putting her own child on anti-anxiety meds. Because I shared my story, she shared hers with me and I was able add my perspective to her thoughts. I’ve been given the gift of being able to walk with another friend post-suicide attempt. God has used me in my mess as a part of his plan for the healing and restoration of others. He really does make beautiful things out of the dust.
He didn’t answer my prayer for healing on my timeline or in the way I wanted Him to. I’ve experienced a lot of tears and frustration because of this. But…because he held off on healing me in the way I wanted to receive it, and do it His way instead, He has been able to use me to walk with others and make them feel not crazy. Over the last four years, of all the advice, and medication, and talks and support I’ve received, the most valuable has been friends willing to be vulnerable with me and share their stories of personal mental struggle. Their stories have given me hope, direction for healing and bravery in the face of all the junk. And I can honestly stand here and say, if all of this experience has made it possible for me to be that person for one or two others, you know what? I am so thankful for that. It makes all this mess worthwhile.
We all have our own messes. If He can make something beautiful out of mine, He can do the same for you. Of course He will. He had a plan; I just couldn’t see it. He has been patient and gracious with me when I’ve stumbled. Even when I couldn’t see it this whole time He has been fighting for me and I’ll I had to do was stay still.
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