Heaven when we're home

It's a long and rugged road

And we don't know where it's headed

But we know it's going to get us where we're going

When we find what we're looking for 

We'll drop these bags and search no more

'Cause it's going to feel like Heaven when we're home

                                                                                            

                                                                                    - The Wailin' Jennies

A couple years into post-secondary school, I found myself somewhat disillusioned with my area of study. After having already switched my focus once, I was unsure of my direction and wondering if I was wasting my time. I had made the switch from Anthropology because as I could not fully embrace the "All Truth is Relative" foundation: I was going to make a terrible anthropologist. I didn't opt for Music so much as I gave into the fact that I can't fight how I'm wired. Most of my life I've enjoyed playing multiple instruments, listening to varied genres of music and learning about the music of other cultures. Also, musical theory just made sense to me. It seemed like a perfect fit. However, after a number of music history classes where the Organ was very much in the limelight, studying 20th Century experimental 'music' that set my teeth on edge and caused my fingernails to dig into the lecture-hall's chairs, and writing essay after essay on assigned topics I did not find worthy of discussion, panic set in. Four years in your early twenties is a long time to dedicate to something you are not totally sold on. At the height of my worrying and discouragement, I found myself crammed between friends on an old pew in a darkened church listening to the melancholy sweetness of Rose Cousins and beautiful harmonies of the Wailin' Jennys in all their acoustic folk-y glory. Right.  I thought to myself, This is why I love music. This is why I'm here. I don't have to love the organ or be able to dig John Cage's 4 Minutes 33 Seconds the way Professor James Harley does. I walked into the night air that evening feeling refreshed, refocused and with renewed excitement for the next couple years. In essence, Stephanie got her groove back.

That evening, the ladies sang one of my favourites, "Heaven When We're Home". I love the idea of life as a 'long and rugged road', because that makes stumbling OK. Also, getting stalled, slowed down and bruised doesn't mean I can't get back up, brush myself off and continue the journey.

This week, I admit, my engine stalled. Over the last few days it has become clear I have some serious heart issues to deal with before I can continue my quest for more joyful days. Earlier this week after a visit with a friend on a beautiful day I realized my problem. We had gone for a walk with our sleepy babies in the bright sunshine on a warm day, and despite the setting and company, I managed to find negative things to talk about the entire time. What was wrong with me? I've been getting enough sleep, the weather was beautiful, I was out for a walk with a friend, why was I having such a difficult time enjoying the sunshine? Luckily this friend and I have known each other long enough that we've seen each other's better days as well, so I'm pretty sure she'll give me another chance. Oh Stephanie.

I started thinking about Matthew 12:34, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." and I think I hit on the problem. I am unable to experience outward Joy if I'm feeling negative on the inside. I have a feeling that simply 'trying harder' to stay positive isn't the key. Because really, if it's a heart issue, putting on a happy face isn't getting at the route of the problem. It's time for a clean-out, a 'heart check-up' of sorts.

So here is what I'm going to try to do differently this week...

1) I'm going to make an effort to take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5). I'll try to be aware of what I'm spending my time thinking about. If I find myself worrying, I'll switch gears into praying about it and then do my best to leave it alone.

2) If I catch myself focusing on someone's not-so-lovable qualities, I'll do my best to remind myself of the things I love about him/her.

3) I'll try to recognize my bouts 'ugly/negative Steph' and deal with them using methods 1 and 2 before I open my mouth.

So up I get again, brushing myself off and getting ready for the next leg of this long and rugged road, reminding myself these initial struggles are worth the pain. The Wailin' Jennys are right, it really is going to feel like Heaven when I'm home; when I learn better how to operate in Joy. So onward I go! Let's try this thing again...